Family

I love my family. I have always known how lucky I am about my family so many ways, but there are always petty arguments, or more real ones going on in my loud and opinionated family.

Somehow this pesach made me realize how much I really do like my family. Not just in the they are my family so I have to love them, but I really do like them as people. We haven't been all together for a long time, and it was so nice to finally be together as a family. Maybe because we've been apart and all grown up a bit, but for the long first three days of yom tov there were actually no fights and we all got along. it was great!

ok. thats enough corny reflections for the moment :)

a good date :)

i just got back from a good date...where I like him and it ended with him saying, "I had a really good time would it be ok if I called you again"...when does that happen to me????

Then again, its only been one date so I should not make a big deal about it, and if I go into over analyzing it, he's a bunch less religious then me...but mostly he was really cute and I had fun, so I think im gonna try and not be me and look way to into the future and worry about things that should not be issues anywhere near to yet and just go with it.

till death do us part...or something like that

On Friday one of my best friends got married. She married her boyfriend so that he could become legal and get a job. They plan on "divorcing" after the pre-requisite year and a half, are not married according to Jewish law, and are not even filing taxes together.

The ceremony was in city hall (the most unromantic place ever), I was their witness and only guest, and after the ceremony we all went off to work. It was so obvious that it was fake, during the ceremony my friend started laughing, and we were definately not taking it all that serious It all seemed like a big joke or some kind of social experiment, except that it was real, with real consequences.

When my friend first told me that she was thinking of the idea, I thought it was ridiculous. But, the more we discussed it and I thought about it, why not. She was helping out someone who is close to her who has no real way to succeed or get an even semi-decent job without her doing him this favor. Moreover, although time will tell for sure, becoming legally married does not seem like it will at all impede on her lifestyle.

The whole thing has made me think about the United States immigration policy. As it stands, the legal system is anything but welcoming to newcomers. Yet, there is a new policy being suggested that as Hillary Clinton (and I can't believe I'm quoting her) says would "literally criminalize . . . . probably even Jesus himself."

I am anything but up on public policy and current events. Still, there is something wrong with the system that even I can realize.

im a wuss

why can I not just put myself out there? or even semi-out there? I know its what I need to do. Mentally and physically its the way to make myself vulnerable and then let someone in. But, somehow the thought just makes me dizzy and then out of breath.

After going to my friends engagement party yesterday I told him that I "liked" his roommate and wanted to be set up with him, my words "or whatever that means". Truth is, I tried to make it more casual, but I know his roommate from before and think he is awesome, quality, same values, and great personality...I dont know him all that well but enough to think he is better than me but still have a "crush" on him.

So, after being nervous about even leaving the message on my friends machine I do it. Obviously though, I see him tonight, and he doesnt say anything so I don't either. It's this fear of rejection that I don't judge in other ppl but myself am desperately afraid of so much that I need to put up these walls, and then spend the rest of my time wondering/obsessing why I am all alone.

What if...

I sometimes think about what I would have been like if I had lived in different times or circumstances.

If I had not grown up frum I would: not be a virgin, be totally liberal, not really understand how people can be religious, have joined a sorority, possibly be a little slutty.

since I did grow up frum: I'm a pretty typical "good" Jewish girl whose a little more open minded than most.

There are so many other circumstances that I could hypothesize about, and yes I know there are no definites about what could have beens if things had been different because somehow life gets in the way.

But, when it comes to defending Orthodoxy its sometimes hard for me to defend it or the life choices that I make on a daily basis and I think the reason is that by nature my gut inclinations are towards this other girl than the one I am. I totally respect bal teshuva's, but to be honest I just don't get it, and I definitely could never see myself being one. And then I wonder what does that say about me, and why would I want to live a life, that is often restricting if I don't believe in it completely, or at least all the time?

Just accept the compliment already...

It should be easier for me to accept a compliment. To just say thank you. It would make the situation less awkward and make the person complimenting me feel better. Yet, for some reason I have to justify the situation when I get a compliment.

I cut my hair a few days ago and basically everyone I know has told me that it looks great. What my reaction should prob be: a simple thank you. Instead, its more of an insecure laugh followed by sarcasm or a joke. And then my reaction gets misinterpreted. It comes off like I don't like my haircut, when I actually do.

Really, I'm trying to get better at just accepting the compliment and taking it for what it is, or at the very least coming off like I'm ok with it. But for some reason its hard for me to do.

and its not like I don't like getting compliments, I mean who doesn't? I feel like part of it is not knowing exactly how to react. If its a close friend then I get it, they are sincere and are telling me their true reaction. If its a co-worker or acquaintance did they notice the obvious difference and instead of just saying something looks different say the more appropriate, it looks good? And either way somehow it just doesn't seem right to respond, yea I know I look good.

if everyone likes me I must be a good person...

I think the best ppl are the ones who illicit strong reactions, both positive and negative from people. they are loved and hated, but either way ppl feel strongly about them. I think those people are fabulous because they know who they are, and the people who love them are loyal, true and committed. when they are loved, they are accepted for who they are and know that its not for any other reason.

they are also the opposite of me. for some reason I need everyone to like me, and I think for the most part it works. not meaning that I need to be or am friends with everyone I meet, but I want them to come away thinking of me in positive terms. I know that its prob not all that hard to figure out why I want ppl to like me, but I've just recently realized what I subconsciously do, and am not sure if its something I should try to change or not. I mean, its not like I'm such a non-judgemental person who loves everyone. It seems silly that I should want ppl who I dont like to like me, but I do.

I am one of those find who can somehow relate to every side of the issue, which makes it pretty easy to get along with practically everyone. but, the question is if getting along with everyone and seeing everyones point of view means losing my own?