another frum blog

Family

2006-04-21T02:47:00.000-07:00

I love my family. I have always known how lucky I am about my family so many ways, but there are always petty arguments, or more real ones going on in my loud and opinionated family.

Somehow this pesach made me realize how much I really do like my family. Not just in the they are my family so I have to love them, but I really do like them as people. We haven't been all together for a long time, and it was so nice to finally be together as a family. Maybe because we've been apart and all grown up a bit, but for the long first three days of yom tov there were actually no fights and we all got along. it was great!

ok. thats enough corny reflections for the moment :)

a good date :)

2006-04-06T21:25:00.000-07:00

i just got back from a good date...where I like him and it ended with him saying, "I had a really good time would it be ok if I called you again"...when does that happen to me????

Then again, its only been one date so I should not make a big deal about it, and if I go into over analyzing it, he's a bunch less religious then me...but mostly he was really cute and I had fun, so I think im gonna try and not be me and look way to into the future and worry about things that should not be issues anywhere near to yet and just go with it.

till death do us part...or something like that

2006-04-01T22:01:00.000-08:00

On Friday one of my best friends got married. She married her boyfriend so that he could become legal and get a job. They plan on "divorcing" after the pre-requisite year and a half, are not married according to Jewish law, and are not even filing taxes together.

The ceremony was in city hall (the most unromantic place ever), I was their witness and only guest, and after the ceremony we all went off to work. It was so obvious that it was fake, during the ceremony my friend started laughing, and we were definately not taking it all that serious It all seemed like a big joke or some kind of social experiment, except that it was real, with real consequences.

When my friend first told me that she was thinking of the idea, I thought it was ridiculous. But, the more we discussed it and I thought about it, why not. She was helping out someone who is close to her who has no real way to succeed or get an even semi-decent job without her doing him this favor. Moreover, although time will tell for sure, becoming legally married does not seem like it will at all impede on her lifestyle.

The whole thing has made me think about the United States immigration policy. As it stands, the legal system is anything but welcoming to newcomers. Yet, there is a new policy being suggested that as Hillary Clinton (and I can't believe I'm quoting her) says would "literally criminalize . . . . probably even Jesus himself."

I am anything but up on public policy and current events. Still, there is something wrong with the system that even I can realize.

im a wuss

2006-03-27T20:44:00.000-08:00

why can I not just put myself out there? or even semi-out there? I know its what I need to do. Mentally and physically its the way to make myself vulnerable and then let someone in. But, somehow the thought just makes me dizzy and then out of breath.

After going to my friends engagement party yesterday I told him that I "liked" his roommate and wanted to be set up with him, my words "or whatever that means". Truth is, I tried to make it more casual, but I know his roommate from before and think he is awesome, quality, same values, and great personality...I dont know him all that well but enough to think he is better than me but still have a "crush" on him.

So, after being nervous about even leaving the message on my friends machine I do it. Obviously though, I see him tonight, and he doesnt say anything so I don't either. It's this fear of rejection that I don't judge in other ppl but myself am desperately afraid of so much that I need to put up these walls, and then spend the rest of my time wondering/obsessing why I am all alone.

What if...

2006-03-06T01:03:00.000-08:00

I sometimes think about what I would have been like if I had lived in different times or circumstances.

If I had not grown up frum I would: not be a virgin, be totally liberal, not really understand how people can be religious, have joined a sorority, possibly be a little slutty.

since I did grow up frum: I'm a pretty typical "good" Jewish girl whose a little more open minded than most.

There are so many other circumstances that I could hypothesize about, and yes I know there are no definites about what could have beens if things had been different because somehow life gets in the way.

But, when it comes to defending Orthodoxy its sometimes hard for me to defend it or the life choices that I make on a daily basis and I think the reason is that by nature my gut inclinations are towards this other girl than the one I am. I totally respect bal teshuva's, but to be honest I just don't get it, and I definitely could never see myself being one. And then I wonder what does that say about me, and why would I want to live a life, that is often restricting if I don't believe in it completely, or at least all the time?

Just accept the compliment already...

2006-03-05T18:42:00.000-08:00

It should be easier for me to accept a compliment. To just say thank you. It would make the situation less awkward and make the person complimenting me feel better. Yet, for some reason I have to justify the situation when I get a compliment.

I cut my hair a few days ago and basically everyone I know has told me that it looks great. What my reaction should prob be: a simple thank you. Instead, its more of an insecure laugh followed by sarcasm or a joke. And then my reaction gets misinterpreted. It comes off like I don't like my haircut, when I actually do.

Really, I'm trying to get better at just accepting the compliment and taking it for what it is, or at the very least coming off like I'm ok with it. But for some reason its hard for me to do.

and its not like I don't like getting compliments, I mean who doesn't? I feel like part of it is not knowing exactly how to react. If its a close friend then I get it, they are sincere and are telling me their true reaction. If its a co-worker or acquaintance did they notice the obvious difference and instead of just saying something looks different say the more appropriate, it looks good? And either way somehow it just doesn't seem right to respond, yea I know I look good.

if everyone likes me I must be a good person...

2006-03-01T00:21:00.000-08:00

I think the best ppl are the ones who illicit strong reactions, both positive and negative from people. they are loved and hated, but either way ppl feel strongly about them. I think those people are fabulous because they know who they are, and the people who love them are loyal, true and committed. when they are loved, they are accepted for who they are and know that its not for any other reason.

they are also the opposite of me. for some reason I need everyone to like me, and I think for the most part it works. not meaning that I need to be or am friends with everyone I meet, but I want them to come away thinking of me in positive terms. I know that its prob not all that hard to figure out why I want ppl to like me, but I've just recently realized what I subconsciously do, and am not sure if its something I should try to change or not. I mean, its not like I'm such a non-judgemental person who loves everyone. It seems silly that I should want ppl who I dont like to like me, but I do.

I am one of those find who can somehow relate to every side of the issue, which makes it pretty easy to get along with practically everyone. but, the question is if getting along with everyone and seeing everyones point of view means losing my own?

blah.

2006-02-28T00:15:00.000-08:00

there is nothing that happened, nothing that is different than yesterday except for in my head.

i know that but it doesnt make me feel better when I feel like crap for no other reason other than im in a shitty mood. my heart has been beating fast all day and there is a glossy feeling surrounding me, like I am removed from what is going on. its like all of my energy has been sapped up and everything takes effort. effort which im just not in the mood for. to do the same thing as the day b4 and for what point? i just want to sit and stare into space, or at the tv, but that self indulgence just seems to make it worse, bc at least when im around ppl I need to fake it which somehow makes me feel better for a little.

i am not one of those ppl to who life comes easy to. everything takes effort and sometimes i just get sick of it and let the laziness and inertia take over

im sorry i missed the memo...

2006-02-27T01:14:00.000-08:00

last night i went out with a guy -- it was ok, kinda boring, a tad weird, basically not someone i was totally in love with, but would have been willing to give it another chance. the night ended normally by both of us saying goodnight.

then today i get a call...."since it didnt work out last night i have someone else in mind that I could set you up with". who said it didnt work out? what if i had thought the date had went well?

then when i call him back to find out about this guy (at the very least i'd wanna see who this guy was setting me up with, makes for a good story) he starts asking me all the basic questions...how religious are you? hobbies? free time?

im sorry but didnt we JUST go out???

ppl. are weirdos!

giving to the homeless

2006-02-26T14:34:00.000-08:00

It was not all that long ago that I was one of those ppl who would give to every homeless person asking for charity. Now it's unusual if I give to any at all.

Instead I feel bad when I see them asking for money less bc I am effected by their poverty, but bc I am not effected by it like I once was. bc I have justified it to myself that it is better to give to an organization, I can't give to everyone asking me anyways, I in a rush, I don't know what the money would be going to, or its even illegal to ask for money on the subway.

These are all true. but still. Someone once told me that when someone asks for money you should just give it to them. Regardless of what they may be using the money for, it is so hard to get up the courage and swallow your self-esteem to ask others for charity. I heard this years ago, but it has always stayed with me bc it is such a different perspective on giving.

I still believe in that, especially in theory. but in practice, its hard to give to everyone, and since I feel like I can't do that I end up giving to none of them. It's winter and I can't stop complaining when I'm outside for 5 min, yet there are ppl who are sleeping outside. I feel like there is something tangible that I need to do for them, and there prob is. but then I get bogged down in the practicalities and with all the other details and business going on in my life, and with my own inherent laziness. and instead of actually doing something about it I feel bad and guilty, and go thru the same cycle of thoughts the next time I see someone bundled up in a corner sleeping or stumbling around asking for money.

Narrowing the field

2006-02-23T20:46:00.000-08:00

Here is what I think just doesn't make sense about the Jewish world, or the Jewish dating world. As Jews we are such a minority, less than 2% of the population. If you take what percentage of those are Orthodox it becomes even tinier. You would think then, that once someone Orthodox Jews would all be able to date each other.

Yet, somehow there are so many categories and subcategories within being Orthodox that we just need to keep making a smaller and smaller group of ppl that we could even think about dating...without even considering personality, etc.

I think its a problem and the categories, while yes, meaning different ideological beliefs, are more than a bit ridiculous.

nice jewish girl

2006-02-22T22:10:00.000-08:00

There are excuses for why I have never had a boyfriend, or even been kissed....I grew up in a small town where there were only 5 boys in my class, I was shomer in college and still am, etc...but the truth is that none of them really make me feel better or less like I have missed out on major life experiances.

It's too late to have a rebellion or random hook-ups, maybe its not in reality, but where I am in my life right now it is without feeling like I would be giving up being frum, which is not something at this point that I would want to do.

I was reading nice Jewish girls post (who was in her 30's before her first kiss) and could totally relate, except that I am not sure I could be as strong as she was and wait anonther 10 years. It's also my greatest fear in life that it will happen to me. I want to have sex, be kissed and held, and everything in between. At the same time I do believe in being shomer which puts me in the category of one of the "frum girls" who lots of guys would not be interested in dating. Plus, living without it for all this time, the physical stuff scares me a bit and I can honestly say I have no idea if I'd be good at it or not.

Part of me just wants to give up being shomer, eventhough I believe in it and everything, but I don't really like giving up my beliefs just because they are getting hard to keep. It has also become part of my identity and the religious level I want to live my life on. I cannot say that I would be thinking the same thing if I was in a serious relationship with someone who I cared about eventhough I hope I would be, or that the relationship would be on its way too marriage. .. But then thinking like this gets me nervous that I would settle and get married just because it is something I want to do or for the sex and not for love and a meaningful relationship.

Its just a vicious cycle of thinking which in my head at least does not have a clear path out.

is it a date?

2006-02-21T17:58:00.000-08:00

wouldn't it be nice if things were always clear cut. Last week I went out with someone, it was ok, he seems like a good guy even if I wasn't necessarily so attracted to him. I had a ridiculously long day before our first date and it was obvious that I wanted to go to sleep by the time it was over, he ended it with "either I'll call you or you call me"...so I think I may have unintentionally came off as less interested than I was to start with.

He called me a few days later and today we met during our lunch break and when it came time to pay he asked if we were together or paying separately. I'm someone who always offers to pay anyways, it just seems awkward otherwise, so I did here to. my question now is if he thought this was a date and if he wants to date me or not. I would really like to be friends with him (and not just as one of those lines). but im not sure how to go about saying that, or if he thinks thats all we are now anyways, i mean he did ask me to pay so I guess thats a clear signal of just wanting to be friends....i dont know.

Homosexuality and Judaism

2006-02-20T11:26:00.000-08:00

Over shabbas dinner this week somehow the conversation got around to homosexuality. One person at the meal was explaining how it made him uncomfortable when he has a client who is gay. While trying to be politically correct, it was still assumed that there is something "not normal" about gay people and that they are doing something wrong. Some people at the meal even questioned if there is such a thing as being gay at all.

I am not gay and do not have any close friends who are either. Still, Judiasm's reaction to homosexuality is something that has always, and still does make me feel extremely uncomfortable. Trembling Before G-d is a movie where gay Orthodox Jews discuss their experiences, and I can't even imagine what it must be like for them.

Accepting people for who they are and the ability for everyone to express themselves is something that I believe strongly in. Yet, from what I know there is no real way to interpret the Halachic view on homosexuality other than it is forbidden. To be honest, I don't understand how halacha, something that I live my life by can exclude an entire part of the population who act differently than mainstream society just because of their sexual preference.

Whenever I'm discussing the subject of homosexuality, my response is always, "halacha aside, I don't see a problem with it"...or some such variation. The more I think about it though how can it be "halacha aside" im not one of those pick and choose people, at least I try not to be. and it just is so inherently inconsistent with my life to even consider that gay people are "abominations" or some such derogatory name for their actions. At the same time though, the fact that halacha does think that is something that I personally have a problem with but am not really sure how to reconcile the two.

first entry

2006-02-19T21:10:00.000-08:00

There is not exactly a lack of frum bloggers out there, or single orthodox girls blogging about life and dating...yet I've decided to become one of them. Hopefully, I'll have something new to say, at the very least it will be an outlet for me to share my thoughts with the world.

So, why not start with a totally overdone theme -- dating. I'm an Orthodox twenty-something and somehow dating has become such a huge focus in my life, which can be frustrated because I pretty much suck at it. In the past years I have been on something like 20 dates, which I know by some Jewish standards is not all that much, but I can't bring myself to become one of those "serial daters". ok I also am not into the whole shidduch scene and couldn't neccesarily go on three dates a night even if I wanted to. That aside, none of these dates have become close to anything resembling a relationship. Yes, there have been some that I have turned down. But overwhelmingly, I have been rejected by my dates, and none have gone past the third date. Besides the self-esteem issues that come up by continually going out with guys who are not into me, I also realize that there is something about my interaction on dates that just isn't working. And as much as I want to be in a relationship, and ok also be getting married, I've never been good at putting my vibe out there and making myself vulnerable to rejection. Somehow it's easier to put on a veneer of not caring and then when I do get rejected my friends don't even realize that it actually does make me sad because I have not let on that I care all that much. Understanding my actions and even a little bit the reasoning behind them is good for self growth and all that, but its so much harder, at least for me, to put any real change in action behind those theoretical beliefs. The plan is to work on that.